David Klotz: 9:32 AM - David eats a candy bar while washing it down with a coke.
Aaron Wagner: 9:33 - david starts to feel funny
Aaron Wagner: 9:44 - David goes into diabetic shock
Aaron Wagner: 10:01 - David Dies
David Klotz: 9:45 - David defeats his diabetic shock through sheer will power and force
David Klotz: 9:46 - David reads what Aaron posted about him dying
David Klotz: 9:47 - David finds a loaded gun
David Klotz: 9:48 - David puts the gun in his mouth
David Klotz: 9:49 - Trigger pulled, no reaction, gun jammed
David Klotz: 9:50 - 9:55 - David desperately tries to exit the building while seeing through a haze of dispair
David Klotz: 9:56 - David gets hit by a semi after stepping in front of it intentionally
David Klotz: 10:00 - David utters these last words just before death "Damn you Aaron Wagner, damn you straight to hell."
Aaron Wagner: 10:01 - Aaron sits quietly in his cube, blissfully oblivious to the tragedy that has taken place just outside his building
David Klotz: 10:02 - Satan puts a date on his calendar for Aaron's arrival
David Klotz: 10:03 - He waits patiently
Aaron Wagner: 10:04 - Aaron: still typically oblivious
David Klotz: 10:05 - Nobody gives a fuck that you are oblivious!
David Klotz: haha
Aaron Wagner: 9:41 - Aaron Wakes from his dream, realizing that his good friend David is still int the world, secure in the knowledge that Satan is a pussy.
David Klotz: 9:42 - David wakes from a sugar induced coma with a strange feeling of betrayal by a friend that he cannot quite grasp the image or persona
David Klotz: 9:43 - All is well and David and Aaron never speak of these events again
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Keep the FAIL rollin'
Funwithdaggers: g
Aaron Wagner: what u
Aaron Wagner: o
Aaron Wagner: p
Funwithdaggers: whoa
Funwithdaggers: joke FAIL
Aaron Wagner: making fun faul
Funwithdaggers: fail FAIL
Aaron Wagner: that's like a double fail.... a fail to the second power, or fail squared, if you will
Funwithdaggers: yeah man
Funwithdaggers: you're on a roll today
Aaron Wagner: it's gonna be a great day
Bad movie ideas and hurt feelings...
(8:03:06 AM) David Klotz: thinkin of making a movie called Death Funeral
(8:03:20 AM) Aaron Wagner: Market it as Death Race II
(8:03:35 AM) Aaron Wagner: or Snakes on a Boat
(8:04:07 AM) David Klotz: where a mysterious character dies, and in his/her last will, he/she already has the list of people they wanted to be invited to the funeral. Here's the twist...
(8:04:44 AM) David Klotz: most of the people invited are people who either made life harder or were down right terrible to the deceased their whole life
(8:05:23 AM) David Klotz: before death, they signed a pact with the devil to be able to terrorize and make their enemies pay in blood for all the horrible things they did to them
(8:05:35 AM) David Klotz: from there it is just a ridiculous blood bath
(8:05:51 AM) David Klotz: typical shallow horror plotline with lots of blood
(8:06:46 AM) Aaron Wagner: dude... can I be honest with you?
(8:07:01 AM) Aaron Wagner: worst idea ever... it's like satan is licking my brain
(8:08:16 AM) Aaron Wagner: I think I actually think less of you now as a person having heard this from you
(8:09:44 AM) David Klotz: no, it's a great idea
(8:09:58 AM) Aaron Wagner: sadly, no...
(8:10:01 AM) David Klotz: yes
(8:10:11 AM) David Klotz: you just don't see the irony in it
(8:10:50 AM) Aaron Wagner: yeah yeah... I get it... the dead finally gets vengance on those who did them wrong... *yawn*
(8:14:53 AM) David Klotz: jesus
(8:15:00 AM) David Klotz: i don't know why i even talk to you
(8:15:13 AM) David Klotz: did you ever watch my seven minutes of horror that i linked you on?
(8:15:21 AM) David Klotz: from back in 2004
(8:15:31 AM) Aaron Wagner: naw man... no one did
(8:19:59 AM) Aaron Wagner: did I hurt your feelings?
(8:20:05 AM) Aaron Wagner: im sorry
(8:20:10 AM) Aaron Wagner: it's a GREAT idea
(8:20:13 AM) Aaron Wagner: one of your best
(8:20:18 AM) Aaron Wagner: i cant WAIT to see it
(8:34:49 AM) Aaron Wagner: you want me to get you a tampon? or are you a maxi-pad type of girl?
(8:41:04 AM) David Klotz: you're a dick
(8:41:11 AM) David Klotz: there, i said it
(8:41:14 AM) David Klotz: it needed to be said
(8:41:26 AM) Aaron Wagner: damn... PMS'ing much?
(8:41:44 AM) David Klotz: it was apparent that if i let it go any longer without saying it, the internet might sink under the weight of your ego
(8:42:10 AM) David Klotz: jk
(8:42:12 AM) David Klotz: jokes
(8:43:02 AM) David Klotz: apparently somebody cannot handle a dose of their own meds
(8:43:37 AM) Aaron Wagner: yeah... you really burned me with your "you have a massive ego"... I think I am gonna go sit in the corner and cry now
(8:45:00 AM) David Klotz: awwww, don't do that
(8:45:30 AM) David Klotz: The View or Oprah or some other terrible show will be on later to cheer you up
(8:46:07 AM) Aaron Wagner: maybe you can call your wife and have some ben and jerry's and talk about your feelings
(8:49:53 AM) David Klotz: why don't i continue to berate you at no expense, it's much more fun than these 'feelings" you speak of
(8:56:51 AM) Aaron Wagner: this berating you speak of... is this the "ego" and "Oprah" comments? You can see how I would miss the "berating" because of the lameness of those comments, especially in light of the beating that you've taken... I mean I slammed your stupid movie idea, I called you a woman... I provoked you to the point of saying "I dont know why I even talk to you"... which, by the way, is something a woman would say.
(8:58:09 AM) David Klotz: i'm done
Monday, March 15, 2010
At The Dirt, anything can happen...
MJDOOMZ : went to dirt on saturday
MJDOOMZ : it was actually real cool, i wanna go back
Funwithdaggers: what has changed about it?
MJDOOMZ : the music is still the same , lotta metal, but it's not as loud...you can actually talk
MJDOOMZ : and the drinks were pretty reasonable
MJDOOMZ : some bitches up thee too
Funwithdaggers: haha
Funwithdaggers: sounds the same with a quieter volume
Funwithdaggers: i'll pass
MJDOOMZ : they played a lot od dillinger and social d
Funwithdaggers: are you sure you weren't just thinking it was cool by comparison to the crowd you were with? haha
Funwithdaggers: jk
Funwithdaggers: maybe
MJDOOMZ : ha!
MJDOOMZ: it was cool, i like it because it's really kinda raunchy and secluded
MJDOOMZ : i mean a real shit dive, out of the way
MJDOOMZ : i mean a real shit dive, out of the way
Funwithdaggers: ehh
Funwithdaggers: again
Funwithdaggers: i'll pass
MJDOOMZ : with people stuck in the 80's
MJDOOMZ : oh, and some hot putang as well
Funwithdaggers: sounds like numbers
Funwithdaggers: haha
MJDOOMZ : thats what i liked the most about it
Funwithdaggers: in any case since we will probably not agree on this, how was the rest of the night?
Funwithdaggers: was it awkward like you thought it'd be?
Funwithdaggers: was it awkward like you thought it'd be?
MJDOOMZ : it was ok, my buddy mark was there
Funwithdaggers: the guy who helped move?
Funwithdaggers: i know mark
MJDOOMZ : yeah
MJDOOMZ : yeah
Funwithdaggers: we've met many many times
MJDOOMZ : yeah i know, he's a cool cat
Funwithdaggers: hahahaha
MJDOOMZ : but seriously....
MJDOOMZ : the pussy
Funwithdaggers: did you get any?
Funwithdaggers: i already know the answer
MJDOOMZ : man, it was weird.Funwithdaggers: was it?
Funwithdaggers: i'm betting it wasn't that weird
MJDOOMZ : i was talkin to this chick, but i wasnt sure if she was this dude
Funwithdaggers: and there it is
Funwithdaggers: shit jsut got real
MJDOOMZ : so, i didnt take it as far as i wanted
Funwithdaggers: *just
MJDOOMZ : fuck you
Funwithdaggers: haha
Funwithdaggers: damn sensitive
MJDOOMZ : but hey, thats usually the way it goes
Funwithdaggers: yeah, i usually talk to random girls who may be dudes too, i get it
MJDOOMZ : b
Funwithdaggers: hahahaha
Funwithdaggers: i'm just bustin your chops
Funwithdaggers: notice how i didn't say "breaking your balls" because i wouldn't want you to confuse me with the tranny you were hitting on the other night
Funwithdaggers: hahahahaha
MJDOOMZ : i meant
Funwithdaggers: just jokes man
Funwithdaggers: gosh
MJDOOMZ : i think she was with another guy
Funwithdaggers: mmmm hmmmm
Funwithdaggers: in any case
MJDOOMZ : whew, covered tracks
MJDOOMZ : she had an impressive adams apple
Funwithdaggers: i mean anyone who hangs with curb for an extended period of time is bound to have some of that gayness rub off onto them, so it's not like it was your fault
MJDOOMZ : derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Funwithdaggers: pretty soon, you're just thinking to yourself, i guess it's just skin and that is the only thing that matters
MJDOOMZ : damnnnn
Funwithdaggers: is this what she looked like? http://www.bestweekever.tv/bwe/images/2010/03/adamlambert.gif
MJDOOMZ : bout right
MJDOOMZ : not as glamerous though
MJDOOMZ : glamarous
MJDOOMZ : whatever
Funwithdaggers: hahah
Funwithdaggers: i'd be worried if you knew how to spell the word
Funwithdaggers: haha
MJDOOMZ : yeah, not something i use in casual conversation
Funwithdaggers: http://www.punknews.org/article/37491
Friday, January 8, 2010
Committee on the Status of Men
So, yesterday, I had an e-mail conversation with a co worker and a couple other guys. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
It started with getting an email with the subject: "Survey for Women of UT to Assist the UT Committee on the Status of Women"
I received a reply shortly thereafter from a coworker who sits in the cube next to me, let's call him Craig. Another colleague joined in the conversation, let's call him Brad. Here's how that conversation went. (There were two others mentioned, who either knew better, or didn't have time to join in the conversation. Their names were not changed).
Craig: Is there a Committee on the Status of Men?
Me: You should start one… I’ll join!
Craig: Let’s just wait on what the rest of the men of the university think. What’s that, like two more (Brad and Lad)?
Me: I think Todd too, but I can’t be sure.
Brad: I think the Women’s status committee is more interesting for some reason.
Brad: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/design_hell
Me: Seen that one… all too true. Have you seen the other comics on that site? Read the story about eating horses… warning, there are references to horse rape, just FYI.
http://theoatmeal.com/story/eat_horses
Brad: Sounds like something I saw on man vs wild last night
Craig: The future of UT Committee on the Status of Men is looking grim I say. Not a good start gents.
Me: WHAT??? Horse rape is a serious thing… over 1 man a year is raped by a horse, and it’s something all men should be concerned about… Add that to the Agenda for the next meeting… Horse Rape.
Craig: Yes I’m currently reading this [horse rape] article and I am so far baffled of my unawareness of this situation us men of the UT Committee on the Status of Men could possibly encounter. This is nerve racking I say! Definitely a strong candidate of consideration for the agenda.
Brad: FYI they keep copies & monitor the email here. I don’t want to be explaining to somebody (again) that something I wrote to someone else was just a joke...
Me: Horse Rape… a clear joke. Paranoid much? HR is standing right behind you… go ahead, try not to look.
Brad: Paranoid? Yes. They give you a badge for it after 4 years. Also an agenda item I guess. We should put below the horse issue.
Brad: PLUS you’re talking about horse rape, have you seen JC’s social media icons? Shes all about the ponies
Craig: I thought about that when I saw the article. Alright enough of this UT Committee of Status of Men (CSM). We’ll continue this another day.
It started with getting an email with the subject: "Survey for Women of UT to Assist the UT Committee on the Status of Women"
I received a reply shortly thereafter from a coworker who sits in the cube next to me, let's call him Craig. Another colleague joined in the conversation, let's call him Brad. Here's how that conversation went. (There were two others mentioned, who either knew better, or didn't have time to join in the conversation. Their names were not changed).
Craig: Is there a Committee on the Status of Men?
Me: You should start one… I’ll join!
Craig: Let’s just wait on what the rest of the men of the university think. What’s that, like two more (Brad and Lad)?
Me: I think Todd too, but I can’t be sure.
Brad: I think the Women’s status committee is more interesting for some reason.
Brad: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/design_hell
Me: Seen that one… all too true. Have you seen the other comics on that site? Read the story about eating horses… warning, there are references to horse rape, just FYI.
http://theoatmeal.com/story/eat_horses
Brad: Sounds like something I saw on man vs wild last night
Craig: The future of UT Committee on the Status of Men is looking grim I say. Not a good start gents.
Me: WHAT??? Horse rape is a serious thing… over 1 man a year is raped by a horse, and it’s something all men should be concerned about… Add that to the Agenda for the next meeting… Horse Rape.
Craig: Yes I’m currently reading this [horse rape] article and I am so far baffled of my unawareness of this situation us men of the UT Committee on the Status of Men could possibly encounter. This is nerve racking I say! Definitely a strong candidate of consideration for the agenda.
Brad: FYI they keep copies & monitor the email here. I don’t want to be explaining to somebody (again) that something I wrote to someone else was just a joke...
Me: Horse Rape… a clear joke. Paranoid much? HR is standing right behind you… go ahead, try not to look.
Brad: Paranoid? Yes. They give you a badge for it after 4 years. Also an agenda item I guess. We should put below the horse issue.
Brad: PLUS you’re talking about horse rape, have you seen JC’s social media icons? Shes all about the ponies
Craig: I thought about that when I saw the article. Alright enough of this UT Committee of Status of Men (CSM). We’ll continue this another day.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
The Greatest Band Ever...
Greg has been a little silent as of late... Oh well, we march on.
Note, this conversation has been slightly edited to make me sound funnier. It's my blog... I can do what I want.
(10:11:51 AM) David Klotz: if you were getting married again, would you hire my band to play at your reception? We are called LANDFILL, and we do not take requests
(10:12:05 AM) Aaron Wagner: sure
(10:12:14 AM) Aaron Wagner: was that believable enough?
(10:12:24 AM) David Klotz: no
(10:12:49 AM) David Klotz: see i expected some resistance which i would counter with valid points
(10:15:16 AM) Aaron Wagner: ok... lets give this a shot
(10:15:32 AM) Aaron Wagner: HELL NO, I WOULD NEVER HIRE YOUR SHITTY BAND
(10:17:06 AM) David Klotz: well, while i understand your initial response, let me point out that IF you hire my band, not only will we thrill and entertain, we will no doubt make the rest of the wedding and reception seem all that much better.
(10:17:50 AM) Aaron Wagner: I dont know... how many Bass players do you have?
(10:18:07 AM) David Klotz: we have one really large bass player, so he's almost as good as two.
(10:18:34 AM) Aaron Wagner: does he sweat a lot?
(10:18:41 AM) David Klotz: keep in mind that we play all original music, and we may pepper in some love songs or cover songs, however, we do not take requests
(10:18:48 AM) David Klotz: he sweats the "right" amount
(10:19:40 AM) Aaron Wagner: I think I need a lot of sweat... what about your drummer... how many crash cymbals does he have and how often does he use them, on average, in any given song?
(10:20:02 AM) David Klotz: oh, he only plays the crash cymbals
(10:20:09 AM) David Klotz: the drums are for show only
(10:20:22 AM) Aaron Wagner: so no snare, no bass drum...
(10:20:28 AM) David Klotz: not one time
(10:21:47 AM) Aaron Wagner: perfect.... now, the really important question... You're lead singer needs to be dressed in Lady-Gaa-Gaa-esquie atire... that's VERY important... he/she needs to make at least 5 costume changes over the course of the evening
(10:22:05 AM) David Klotz: like i said, we do not take requests
(10:22:08 AM) David Klotz: none
(10:22:49 AM) Aaron Wagner: ohh... so close... Looks like we're going to go with "Sanitary Refuse Disposal Area" to play instead
(10:23:22 AM) David Klotz: what i can guarantee is that your guests will walk away from your wedding with a story to tell all their friends and family, you get a story to go in your scrapbook, and we get a fat check to spend on hookers and blow
(10:24:00 AM) Aaron Wagner: You've sold me... now, how "fat" of a check are we talking about?
(10:24:19 AM) Aaron Wagner: because I can only afford about $20 for a band of your talent
(10:24:53 AM) David Klotz: but we are the most talented band of our kind
(10:25:22 AM) David Klotz: our usual cut is $300 and a dinner, but in your case, because i like you, I'll do you a solid
(10:25:39 AM) David Klotz: $400 plus a dinner, and we'll take out the trash after the wedding
(10:25:58 AM) Aaron Wagner: that's a lot of blow...
(10:26:07 AM) David Klotz: you're forgetting the hookers
(10:26:28 AM) Aaron Wagner: oh, well, How about $500 and the number to an agency
(10:27:16 AM) David Klotz: deal
Note, this conversation has been slightly edited to make me sound funnier. It's my blog... I can do what I want.
(10:11:51 AM) David Klotz: if you were getting married again, would you hire my band to play at your reception? We are called LANDFILL, and we do not take requests
(10:12:05 AM) Aaron Wagner: sure
(10:12:14 AM) Aaron Wagner: was that believable enough?
(10:12:24 AM) David Klotz: no
(10:12:49 AM) David Klotz: see i expected some resistance which i would counter with valid points
(10:15:16 AM) Aaron Wagner: ok... lets give this a shot
(10:15:32 AM) Aaron Wagner: HELL NO, I WOULD NEVER HIRE YOUR SHITTY BAND
(10:17:06 AM) David Klotz: well, while i understand your initial response, let me point out that IF you hire my band, not only will we thrill and entertain, we will no doubt make the rest of the wedding and reception seem all that much better.
(10:17:50 AM) Aaron Wagner: I dont know... how many Bass players do you have?
(10:18:07 AM) David Klotz: we have one really large bass player, so he's almost as good as two.
(10:18:34 AM) Aaron Wagner: does he sweat a lot?
(10:18:41 AM) David Klotz: keep in mind that we play all original music, and we may pepper in some love songs or cover songs, however, we do not take requests
(10:18:48 AM) David Klotz: he sweats the "right" amount
(10:19:40 AM) Aaron Wagner: I think I need a lot of sweat... what about your drummer... how many crash cymbals does he have and how often does he use them, on average, in any given song?
(10:20:02 AM) David Klotz: oh, he only plays the crash cymbals
(10:20:09 AM) David Klotz: the drums are for show only
(10:20:22 AM) Aaron Wagner: so no snare, no bass drum...
(10:20:28 AM) David Klotz: not one time
(10:21:47 AM) Aaron Wagner: perfect.... now, the really important question... You're lead singer needs to be dressed in Lady-Gaa-Gaa-esquie atire... that's VERY important... he/she needs to make at least 5 costume changes over the course of the evening
(10:22:05 AM) David Klotz: like i said, we do not take requests
(10:22:08 AM) David Klotz: none
(10:22:49 AM) Aaron Wagner: ohh... so close... Looks like we're going to go with "Sanitary Refuse Disposal Area" to play instead
(10:23:22 AM) David Klotz: what i can guarantee is that your guests will walk away from your wedding with a story to tell all their friends and family, you get a story to go in your scrapbook, and we get a fat check to spend on hookers and blow
(10:24:00 AM) Aaron Wagner: You've sold me... now, how "fat" of a check are we talking about?
(10:24:19 AM) Aaron Wagner: because I can only afford about $20 for a band of your talent
(10:24:53 AM) David Klotz: but we are the most talented band of our kind
(10:25:22 AM) David Klotz: our usual cut is $300 and a dinner, but in your case, because i like you, I'll do you a solid
(10:25:39 AM) David Klotz: $400 plus a dinner, and we'll take out the trash after the wedding
(10:25:58 AM) Aaron Wagner: that's a lot of blow...
(10:26:07 AM) David Klotz: you're forgetting the hookers
(10:26:28 AM) Aaron Wagner: oh, well, How about $500 and the number to an agency
(10:27:16 AM) David Klotz: deal
Monday, November 30, 2009
TWSS Win...
(12:37:52 PM) Greg Laurent: you'd be proud of me
(12:38:08 PM) Greg Laurent: the techs are working on a computer
(12:38:11 PM) Greg Laurent: at the table next to me
(12:38:18 PM) Greg Laurent: and i hear
(12:41:02 PM) Greg Laurent: tech 1 "push it harder"
tech 2 "it's getting loose from me jamming it in there"
me ".... That's what she said"
tech 1 "Don't make me come ... "
me "... TWSS" (before he can finish his sentence)
(12:41:34 PM) Aaron Wagner: NICE
(12:41:39 PM) Aaron Wagner: that's epic
(12:41:45 PM) Greg Laurent: it was bad ass
(12:41:59 PM) Greg Laurent: all i heard was snickering from the back office from my boss and the database girl
(12:38:08 PM) Greg Laurent: the techs are working on a computer
(12:38:11 PM) Greg Laurent: at the table next to me
(12:38:18 PM) Greg Laurent: and i hear
(12:41:02 PM) Greg Laurent: tech 1 "push it harder"
tech 2 "it's getting loose from me jamming it in there"
me ".... That's what she said"
tech 1 "Don't make me come ... "
me "... TWSS" (before he can finish his sentence)
(12:41:34 PM) Aaron Wagner: NICE
(12:41:39 PM) Aaron Wagner: that's epic
(12:41:45 PM) Greg Laurent: it was bad ass
(12:41:59 PM) Greg Laurent: all i heard was snickering from the back office from my boss and the database girl
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